Movie madness

Now that the peak of the movie season is upon us and you might be pondering your next trip to the movie theater, I thought this would be a good time to give you a complete review of all the movies I've seen in the theater so far in 2008.

...

I hope that was useful.

That's right. I haven't seen a single movie in a theater this year. My son has. My wife has. My friends have. My co-workers have. To them, I say: More power to ya.

There are some I'd like to see, including "Iron Man," especially since "Spider-Man" and "X-Men" raised the bar for bringing comic book characters to life on the silver screen.

Don't get me wrong. I'd love to watch movies at home if I had more time in the day and a better television. Someday when I'm rich, I'll have a room in my beach home dedicated to movie-watching with a giant TV screen, comfy chairs, popcorn machine and some guy I'll pay to talk on a cell phone so it'll feel like a real, live movie theater.

But I'm not quite rich now, although my side business of selling a pint of blood every week shows promise. And because I'm not rich like you other people, I can't afford the tickets to see a movie in the theater. Besides, I don't have enough will power to bypass the overpriced popcorn and soft drinks. I have to save that money for other luxuries such as mortgage payments, child care, and -- this may be shocking -- electricity.

Even if it just cost a buck to get in and sodas cost half as much as they do now (which would still make them twice as expensive as they should be), I think I'd still be able to make it through life without going to movie theaters.

Perhaps that's because I'm not much into crowds... unless it's a bunch of Parrotheads dancing and hugging all over each other. But when it's a crowd of strangers mumbling, coughing, getting up and down, blocking my view of a movie screen and talking on their cell phones, I can do without them.

Maybe I'm just not a people person. Folks make fun of me at work because -- among other reasons -- I don't like to go to lunch when everybody else in downtown Columbus does, which is somewhere in that time range of 11:58 a.m. to 12:02 p.m. I have a tendency to go get lunch -- and this is a wild concept -- when I get hungry. But if I get hungry during peak eating time, I'll just stay in and wait it out. When asked why, I simply say, "Too many humans."

I guess too many humans can ruin a movie for me, just as they can a lunch. Yep, when I get my movie room in my beach house, I just might eat my lunch in there while I'll watch my movies.

And in case I need any interaction with other humans, I can always order a pizza.

Contact Chris Johnson at 706-320-4403 or cjohnson@ledger-enquirer.com