Safe jobs

After conducting numerous analyses of the markets, tracking trends on Wall Street and running various computer models of financial forecasts, it is with much confidence that I can tell you that our nation's economy is as valuable as one warm bucket of hamster vomit. OK, maybe two.

Don't believe me? Look at Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac or Jim Bob Jenkins. Look at AIG, GM or AC/DC. The market is down. Gas prices are up, and gouging is overlooked. Health care and education costs are out of control. The housing bust keeps busting. Retirement plans are shattered. Wages can't keep up with the cost of living. Or, as some would describe such an economy, "fundamentally sound."

I took it as a very bad sign, though, when I got behind Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson in the lotto line at the Spectrum yesterday. At least I think it was him. Someone called him Henry.

The newspaper business certainly isn't immune to the economic woes. We've had to trim a little here and there. For instance, from now on the Sunday crossword puzzle will be only horizontal words. Saves us 50 percent.

But should that not save enough bucks, my job is hardly guaranteed. I've tried to make myself look like a valuable employee, or at least look like an employee. That's right -- no more flip-flops. If things get any worse, I might even shave. But if worse comes to worser, I'm gonna have to find a recession-proof (or depression-proof) job. Such as:

Doctor: I may have missed out on my shot at medical school, but, really, how much can you learn by cutting up a cadaver anyway? My cousin Hank and I found a dead hog in the woods one time, and after a couple of hours of poking around at its insides with sticks we were hardly qualified to be veterinarians. Oh, and I've seen almost every episode of "Scrubs" at least twice.

Independent death comet insurance salesman: I actually may do this in addition to whatever it is I get paid to do here at the paper. It's a can't-miss idea. All you've got to do is give me $1, and in the event of a death comet wiping out the planet, I'll pay you $1 billion. I'd say that's a pretty good return on your investment. If I can just find a couple of million people worried about death comets, I can go ahead and retire.

Artist: OK, I may not have the skills right now, but the other day I sketched a turtle head, and I'm pretty sure I've got what it takes to be a serious art student.

Traffic flow consultant: Someone actually planned that traffic flow concept for Columbus Park Crossing. Really. Someone got paid to do that. It wasn't a random act of traffic terrorism.

Liquor store owner: No matter how bad things get, we'll always need someone to help us forget our troubles for a little while. This is one of two professions that can do that. I was gonna add the second one to the mix, but they told me having hookers in the back of the store would be illegal.

Maybe on the side.

BLAWG WILD

For more down-home commentary, see Chris Johnson's blog at http://blawgwild.blogspot.com

Contact Chris Johnson at 706-320-4403 or cjohnson@ledger-enquirer.com